It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
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I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding