Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
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As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry