turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages š
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Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
When people try to debate me online Iām just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesnāt exist
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Me: Iāve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldnāt drink Cabernet from a Pringleās can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is heāll see me & our two-year-old together and be like āwait they kinda act the sameā
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I saw a woman claiming sheās pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
This kid will have a bright future.
My husband and I love to play āwho can pile the most into the trash can without taking it outā and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
For the past 3 years Iāve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far Iāve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.