Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
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Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Not all heroes wear capes.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.