[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Sticker placement is key.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me