Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
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what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
won’t smith
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?