I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.