Spam popsicles.
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BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I only eat vegetarians.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart