Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
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If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Generation gap…
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there