Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
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Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
*lint rolls you awake*
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.