my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
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One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.