If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
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Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Golf would be better with landmines.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand