Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
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I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb