@DadZZZasleep

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

@DadZZZasleep

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

@DadZZZasleep

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

@DadZZZasleep

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

@DadZZZasleep

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

@DadZZZasleep

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

@DadZZZasleep

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

@DadZZZasleep

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

@DadZZZasleep

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

@DadZZZasleep

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question