Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
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Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
This has made my week.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes