@DadZZZasleep: [pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
@DadZZZasleep: wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
@DadZZZasleep: Peanut Butter CEO: it's taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
@DadZZZasleep: [on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
@DadZZZasleep: [drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
@DadZZZasleep: daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
@DadZZZasleep: wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
@DadZZZasleep: wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino