@DadZZZasleep: [pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

@DadZZZasleep: wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

@DadZZZasleep: [3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

@DadZZZasleep: Peanut Butter CEO: it's taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

@DadZZZasleep: [on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

@DadZZZasleep: [drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

@DadZZZasleep: daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

@DadZZZasleep: wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

@DadZZZasleep: wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino