@DadZZZasleep: Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

@DadZZZasleep: me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

@DadZZZasleep: my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

@DadZZZasleep: sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

@DadZZZasleep: Wife: I just vacuumed so don't make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don't make a mess dad

Me: I'm not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

@DadZZZasleep: I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

@DadZZZasleep: 3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

@DadZZZasleep: [pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

@DadZZZasleep: 5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question