me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question