@Dad_At_Law

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

@Dad_At_Law

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

@Dad_At_Law

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

@Dad_At_Law

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie.

@Dad_At_Law

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

@Dad_At_Law

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

@Dad_At_Law

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

@Dad_At_Law

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.