Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
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Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Worth the read.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”