Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DadandBuried's best tweets

@DadandBuried : Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over...

@DadandBuried: Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

@DadandBuried: If I ask "Where's the remote?" & you say "Next to the TV," you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

@DadandBuried: Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

@DadandBuried: I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

@DadandBuried: As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

@DadandBuried: My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

@DadandBuried: Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

@DadandBuried: My son started school today. I'm excited to meet all the new illnesses he'll be bringing home this fall.