“Do you remember that time we-“
Let me stop you right there, no.
*shows up to a knife fight with a bunch of cakes and settles everything*
*coughing uncontrollably for 10 minutes*
*neighbors peek outside*
*shakes my head no and holds up blunt*
*neghbor gives a thumbs up and goes on about their day*
Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?
My son just looked at his best friend of 5 years and said “hey you” because he temporarily forgot his name and I’ve never felt closer to him.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Doctor: how sick are you?
Me: idk spit a beat
How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:
1. Throw Legos away
2. Tell kids you were robbed
3. Fix yourself a drink. You’ve earned it.
Cop: are there any drugs in the car?
Me: ha! I wish
Me: I mean, no