@DaddyJew

“Do you remember that time we-“

Let me stop you right there, no.

@DaddyJew

*shows up to a knife fight with a bunch of cakes and settles everything*

@DaddyJew

*coughing uncontrollably for 10 minutes*

*neighbors peek outside*

*shakes my head no and holds up blunt*

*neghbor gives a thumbs up and goes on about their day*

@DaddyJew

Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?

@DaddyJew

My son just looked at his best friend of 5 years and said “hey you” because he temporarily forgot his name and I’ve never felt closer to him.

@DaddyJew

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

@DaddyJew

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

@DaddyJew

How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:

1. Throw Legos away

2. Tell kids you were robbed

3. Fix yourself a drink. You’ve earned it.

@DaddyJew

Cop: are there any drugs in the car?

Me: ha! I wish

Cop:..

Me: I mean, no