Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of DaddyJew's best tweets

@DaddyJew : Honey, I'm stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?

@DaddyJew: My son just looked at his best friend of 5 years and said "hey you" because he temporarily forgot his name and I've never felt closer to him.

@DaddyJew: The fact that there ain't no rest for the wicked is probably why I'm always so tired

@DaddyJew: I am 'yay my plans to go out got cancelled' years old

@DaddyJew: Doctor: how sick are you?

Me: idk spit a beat

@DaddyJew: How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:

1. Throw Legos away

2. Tell kids you were robbed

3. Fix yourself a drink. You've earned it.

@DaddyJew: Cop: are there any drugs in the car?

Me: ha! I wish

Cop:..

Me: I mean, no

@DaddyJew: *opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*

@DaddyJew: *throws $100 worth of coins in the wishing well* I wish I was better with money

@DaddyJew: Interviewer: how competitive are you?

Me: not very

Interviewer: neither am I

Me: nice...but I'm less competitive