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@DaddyJew : The fact that there ain't no rest for the wicked is probably why I'm always so tired
@DaddyJew: I am 'yay my plans to go out got cancelled' years old
@DaddyJew: Doctor: how sick are you?
Me: idk spit a beat
@DaddyJew: How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:
1. Throw Legos away
2. Tell kids you were robbed
3. Fix yourself a drink. You've earned it.
@DaddyJew: Cop: are there any drugs in the car?
Me: ha! I wish
Me: I mean, no
@DaddyJew: *opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*
@DaddyJew: *throws $100 worth of coins in the wishing well* I wish I was better with money
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: how competitive are you?
Me: not very
Interviewer: neither am I
Me: nice...but I'm less competitive
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: do you work well under pressure?
Me: Jesus Christ man, I'm thinking
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences