@DaddyJew

*open freezer*

*open fridge*

*open pantry*

*lower standards*

*repeat*

@DaddyJew

Therapist: you suffer from multiple personality disorder

Me: whatever, you’re just jealous of my squad

@DaddyJew

My son recently rediscovered his love of LEGOs and immediately I started having flashbacks like I had survived a war

@DaddyJew

Stranger: can I ask your opinion on something?

Me: you can but I wouldn’t recommend it

@DaddyJew

Dating profiles be like:

I like being outside. I also like being inside. I like to go out to eat. I also like to just eat at home. I enjoy going for a walk or a run. Or sometimes not even moving at all. I like to go to the movies. I’m also fine just watching a movie at home

@DaddyJew

That awkward moment when you blow into a bowl to get the dust off of it and the bowl blows back

@DaddyJew

[first date]

Her: I absolutely love animals

Me: me too, they’re delicious

@DaddyJew

So I just introduced myself to someone I already slept with in case you were wondering how awkward my day was going

@DaddyJew

If I want my child’s attention I’ll just peacefully enjoy myself for a few minutes until my name is called

@DaddyJew

I like to tell people my English is bad so they think I’m a foreigner when in reality I’m really just stupid