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Page of DaddyJew's best tweets

@DaddyJew : I am 'yay my plans to go out got cancelled' years old

@DaddyJew: Doctor: how sick are you?

Me: idk spit a beat

@DaddyJew: How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:

1. Throw Legos away

2. Tell kids you were robbed

3. Fix yourself a drink. You've earned it.

@DaddyJew: Cop: are there any drugs in the car?

Me: ha! I wish

Cop:..

Me: I mean, no

@DaddyJew: *opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*

@DaddyJew: *throws $100 worth of coins in the wishing well* I wish I was better with money

@DaddyJew: Interviewer: how competitive are you?

Me: not very

Interviewer: neither am I

Me: nice...but I'm less competitive

@DaddyJew: Interviewer: do you work well under pressure?

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: well?

Me: Jesus Christ man, I'm thinking

@DaddyJew: Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

@DaddyJew: Me: did you do your homework?

7: idk how

Me: it's ok, we'll do it together

[30min later]
Isn't there somebody in your class we can call?