Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us
@DaddyJew : Honey, I'm stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?
@DaddyJew: My son just looked at his best friend of 5 years and said "hey you" because he temporarily forgot his name and I've never felt closer to him.
@DaddyJew: The fact that there ain't no rest for the wicked is probably why I'm always so tired
@DaddyJew: I am 'yay my plans to go out got cancelled' years old
@DaddyJew: Doctor: how sick are you?
Me: idk spit a beat
@DaddyJew: How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:
1. Throw Legos away
2. Tell kids you were robbed
3. Fix yourself a drink. You've earned it.
@DaddyJew: Cop: are there any drugs in the car?
Me: ha! I wish
Me: I mean, no
@DaddyJew: *opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*
@DaddyJew: *throws $100 worth of coins in the wishing well* I wish I was better with money
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: how competitive are you?
Me: not very
Interviewer: neither am I
Me: nice...but I'm less competitive