Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
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Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.