[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
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I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.