How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:

1. Throw Legos away

2. Tell kids you were robbed

3. Fix yourself a drink. You’ve earned it.


Cop: are there any drugs in the car?

Me: ha! I wish


Me: I mean, no


*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*


*throws $100 worth of coins in the wishing well* I wish I was better with money


Interviewer: how competitive are you?

Me: not very

Interviewer: neither am I

Me: nice…but I’m less competitive


Interviewer: do you work well under pressure?




Interviewer: well?

Me: Jesus Christ man, I’m thinking


Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences


Me: did you do your homework?

7: idk how

Me: it’s ok, we’ll do it together

[30min later]
Isn’t there somebody in your class we can call?


At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now

Subway: so no extra cheese?

Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol


If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?