How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:
1. Throw Legos away
2. Tell kids you were robbed
3. Fix yourself a drink. You’ve earned it.
Cop: are there any drugs in the car?
Me: ha! I wish
Me: I mean, no
*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*
*throws $100 worth of coins in the wishing well* I wish I was better with money
Interviewer: how competitive are you?
Me: not very
Interviewer: neither am I
Me: nice…but I’m less competitive
Interviewer: do you work well under pressure?
Me: Jesus Christ man, I’m thinking
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: did you do your homework?
7: idk how
Me: it’s ok, we’ll do it together
Isn’t there somebody in your class we can call?
At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now
Subway: so no extra cheese?
Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol
If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?