Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@DaddyJew : Interviewer: do you work well under pressure?
Me: Jesus Christ man, I'm thinking
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
@DaddyJew: Me: did you do your homework?
7: idk how
Me: it's ok, we'll do it together
Isn't there somebody in your class we can call?
@DaddyJew: At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now
Subway: so no extra cheese?
Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol
@DaddyJew: If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?
@DaddyJew: It's like my doctor always says "holy shit, you're still alive?"
@DaddyJew: Dentist: do you floss?
Me: do we have to do this?
@DaddyJew: Nurse friend: where can I get some scrubs?
Me: idk, probably hanging at the passenger side of his best friend's ride trying to holler at me
@DaddyJew: My superpower is my ability to spell 'banana' without any help from Gwen Stefani
@DaddyJew: Drug dealer: were you followed?
Me: doubt it, I tweeted a bunch of lame inspirational shit to throw them off my scent