Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of DaddyJew's best tweets

@DaddyJew : Me: did you do your homework?

7: idk how

Me: it's ok, we'll do it together

[30min later]
Isn't there somebody in your class we can call?

@DaddyJew: At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now

Subway: so no extra cheese?

Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol

@DaddyJew: If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?

@DaddyJew: It's like my doctor always says "holy shit, you're still alive?"

@DaddyJew: Dentist: do you floss?

Me: do we have to do this?

@DaddyJew: Nurse friend: where can I get some scrubs?

Me: idk, probably hanging at the passenger side of his best friend's ride trying to holler at me

@DaddyJew: My superpower is my ability to spell 'banana' without any help from Gwen Stefani

@DaddyJew: Drug dealer: were you followed?

Me: doubt it, I tweeted a bunch of lame inspirational shit to throw them off my scent

@DaddyJew: Boss: that's the third time you've been late this week. What do you think we should do about this?

Me: stop counting

@DaddyJew: Cop: have you been drinking?

Me: nah

Cop: please take off your sombrero