Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@DaddyJew : "Daddy, how are babies made?"
"Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink.."
@DaddyJew: Legend has it that if you don't look a coworker in the eye they won't stop to tell you about their weekend.
@DaddyJew: Daddy, what's for dinner?
"did you have cereal for breakfast?"
@DaddyJew: Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
@DaddyJew: *reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
@DaddyJew: Dentist: have you been flossing?
[ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ]
@DaddyJew: Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we're all out
@DaddyJew: [ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
@DaddyJew: *turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
@DaddyJew: *6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where'd you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you'd never know