Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of DaddyJew's best tweets

@DaddyJew : "Daddy, how are babies made?"

"Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink.."

@DaddyJew: Legend has it that if you don't look a coworker in the eye they won't stop to tell you about their weekend.

@DaddyJew: Daddy, what's for dinner?

"did you have cereal for breakfast?"

No

"then cereal"

@DaddyJew: Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

@DaddyJew: *reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

@DaddyJew: Dentist: have you been flossing?

[ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ]

Me: yes

@DaddyJew: Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we're all out

@DaddyJew: [ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

@DaddyJew: *turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

@DaddyJew: *6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where'd you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you'd never know