“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
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Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.