@DaddyJew: Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
@DaddyJew: Dentist: have you been flossing?
[ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ]
@DaddyJew: Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we're all out
@DaddyJew: [ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
@DaddyJew: *6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where'd you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you'd never know
@DaddyJew: Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I'd rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
@DaddyJew: 5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands