Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
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Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression