You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
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wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I’d use my best pan on you.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.