@DaddyJew: TSA: do you have anything to declare?
Me: *grabs the agent by the hand* I declare a thumb war
@DaddyJew: Gf: you're speeding!
Me: no im not
Gf: what's the speed limit?
Me: the speed limit is the liquor store is about to close
@DaddyJew: Judge: how do you plead?
Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God
Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed
@DaddyJew: Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?
Me: I don't even want to see my own kid do something cool
@DaddyJew: Me: I thought I told you no more snacking
8: it's an energy bar
Me: then why are there m&m's on them?
8: duh...that's where the energy comes from
@DaddyJew: [heading to any family function]
Me: uh oh..I spilled some tequila
Me: down my throat
@DaddyJew: It's so hot outside I tried to let my dog out and she got up, closed the door and sat back down on the couch
@DaddyJew: Wife: how did you get all of these groceries so cheap?
Husband: I just used the buy one get one free line
Wife: you mean the self check out line?
Husband: I think we need to move
@DaddyJew: 9: can I go play at TJ's house?
9: TJ, you've met him like a thousand times
Me: no idea
9: he lives 2 houses down
Me: not ringing a bell
9: they have a yellow dog
Me: oh..Bark Whalberg's house? Yea that's fine