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Page of DaddyJew's best tweets

@DaddyJew : relationships are fun if you like being yelled at for facing the wrong direction while you sleep

@DaddyJew: TSA: do you have anything to declare?

Me: *grabs the agent by the hand* I declare a thumb war

@DaddyJew: Gf: you're speeding!

Me: no im not

Gf: what's the speed limit?

Me: the speed limit is the liquor store is about to close

Gf: drive

@DaddyJew: Judge: how do you plead?

Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God

Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed

@DaddyJew: Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?

Me: I don't even want to see my own kid do something cool

@DaddyJew: Me: I thought I told you no more snacking

8: it's an energy bar

Me: then why are there m&m's on them?

8: duh...that's where the energy comes from

@DaddyJew: [heading to any family function]

Me: uh oh..I spilled some tequila

Gf: where?

Me: down my throat

@DaddyJew: It's so hot outside I tried to let my dog out and she got up, closed the door and sat back down on the couch

@DaddyJew: Wife: how did you get all of these groceries so cheap?

Husband: I just used the buy one get one free line

Wife: you mean the self check out line?

Husband:

Wife:

Husband:

Wife:

Husband: I think we need to move

@DaddyJew: 9: can I go play at TJ's house?

Me: who?

9: TJ, you've met him like a thousand times

Me: no idea

9: he lives 2 houses down

Me: not ringing a bell

9: they have a yellow dog

Me: oh..Bark Whalberg's house? Yea that's fine