Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of DaddyJew's best tweets

@DaddyJew : Wife: how did you get all of these groceries so cheap?

Husband: I just used the buy one get one free line

Wife: you mean the self check out line?





Husband: I think we need to move

@DaddyJew: 9: can I go play at TJ's house?

Me: who?

9: TJ, you've met him like a thousand times

Me: no idea

9: he lives 2 houses down

Me: not ringing a bell

9: they have a yellow dog

Me: oh..Bark Whalberg's house? Yea that's fine


- I yell to my children

@DaddyJew: Interviewer: why do u feel like you're a good fit for our company?

Me: the sign out front says you all are hiring & I'm looking to be hired

@DaddyJew: Me: *eating a snack*

Dog trainer: those are for the dog

Me: then why does it look like bacon?

Dog trainer: to fool the dog

Me: *still eating them* I see

@DaddyJew: *turns off the WiFi at home*

*gathers everyone around*

Ok now lets all introduce ourselves

@DaddyJew: *gets caught making stupid faces at baby*
What? He started it.

@DaddyJew: Interviewer: what did you like the least about your last job?

Me: my coworkers were just the worse

I: it says here that you were a stay at home dad

Me: that is correct

@DaddyJew: Me: this place smells like weed

Boss: you smell like weed

Me: maybe that's it

@DaddyJew: Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?

Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor

*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*