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@DaddyJew : "STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO"
- I yell to my children
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: why do u feel like you're a good fit for our company?
Me: the sign out front says you all are hiring & I'm looking to be hired
@DaddyJew: Me: *eating a snack*
Dog trainer: those are for the dog
Me: then why does it look like bacon?
Dog trainer: to fool the dog
Me: *still eating them* I see
@DaddyJew: *turns off the WiFi at home*
*gathers everyone around*
Ok now lets all introduce ourselves
@DaddyJew: *gets caught making stupid faces at baby*
What? He started it.
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: what did you like the least about your last job?
Me: my coworkers were just the worse
I: it says here that you were a stay at home dad
Me: that is correct
@DaddyJew: Me: this place smells like weed
Boss: you smell like weed
Me: maybe that's it
@DaddyJew: Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?
Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor
*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*
@DaddyJew: The first rule of father club is "don't tell your mother"
@DaddyJew: Hotel clerk: enjoy your stay
Me: thanks, you too