Wife: how did you get all of these groceries so cheap?
Husband: I just used the buy one get one free line
Wife: you mean the self check out line?
Husband: I think we need to move
9: can I go play at TJ’s house?
9: TJ, you’ve met him like a thousand times
Me: no idea
9: he lives 2 houses down
Me: not ringing a bell
9: they have a yellow dog
Me: oh..Bark Whalberg’s house? Yea that’s fine
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”
– I yell to my children
Interviewer: why do u feel like you’re a good fit for our company?
Me: the sign out front says you all are hiring & I’m looking to be hired
Me: *eating a snack*
Dog trainer: those are for the dog
Me: then why does it look like bacon?
Dog trainer: to fool the dog
Me: *still eating them* I see
*turns off the WiFi at home*
*gathers everyone around*
Ok now lets all introduce ourselves
*gets caught making stupid faces at baby*
What? He started it.
Interviewer: what did you like the least about your last job?
Me: my coworkers were just the worse
I: it says here that you were a stay at home dad
Me: that is correct
Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?
Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor
*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*
The first rule of father club is “don’t tell your mother”