Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know