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Page of DaddyJew's best tweets

@DaddyJew : "STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO"

- I yell to my children

@DaddyJew: Interviewer: why do u feel like you're a good fit for our company?

Me: the sign out front says you all are hiring & I'm looking to be hired

@DaddyJew: Me: *eating a snack*

Dog trainer: those are for the dog

Me: then why does it look like bacon?

Dog trainer: to fool the dog

Me: *still eating them* I see

@DaddyJew: *turns off the WiFi at home*

*gathers everyone around*

Ok now lets all introduce ourselves

@DaddyJew: *gets caught making stupid faces at baby*
What? He started it.

@DaddyJew: Interviewer: what did you like the least about your last job?

Me: my coworkers were just the worse

I: it says here that you were a stay at home dad

Me: that is correct

@DaddyJew: Me: this place smells like weed

Boss: you smell like weed

Me: maybe that's it

@DaddyJew: Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?

Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor

*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*

@DaddyJew: The first rule of father club is "don't tell your mother"

@DaddyJew: Hotel clerk: enjoy your stay

Me: thanks, you too