@DaddyJew

Wife: how did you get all of these groceries so cheap?

Husband: I just used the buy one get one free line

Wife: you mean the self check out line?

Husband:

Wife:

Husband:

Wife:

Husband: I think we need to move

@DaddyJew

9: can I go play at TJ’s house?

Me: who?

9: TJ, you’ve met him like a thousand times

Me: no idea

9: he lives 2 houses down

Me: not ringing a bell

9: they have a yellow dog

Me: oh..Bark Whalberg’s house? Yea that’s fine

@DaddyJew

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”

– I yell to my children

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: why do u feel like you’re a good fit for our company?

Me: the sign out front says you all are hiring & I’m looking to be hired

@DaddyJew

Me: *eating a snack*

Dog trainer: those are for the dog

Me: then why does it look like bacon?

Dog trainer: to fool the dog

Me: *still eating them* I see

@DaddyJew

*turns off the WiFi at home*

*gathers everyone around*

Ok now lets all introduce ourselves

@DaddyJew

*gets caught making stupid faces at baby*
What? He started it.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what did you like the least about your last job?

Me: my coworkers were just the worse

I: it says here that you were a stay at home dad

Me: that is correct

@DaddyJew

Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?

Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor

*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*

@DaddyJew

The first rule of father club is “don’t tell your mother”