age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
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My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.