“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
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Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid