Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
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Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados