oh good, now I can stop drinking
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I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus