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If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
My purse is deeper than some people.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?