My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
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shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
“We will wed,” I threatened
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.