They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
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coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??