April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
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Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
gentlemen, hear me out
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week