@DameSpunky

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

@DameSpunky

7: Can I mail myself to Mexico?

M:

7:

M: I’ll order packing peanuts tomorrow.

@DameSpunky

I’m listening to you.
I just need to rest my eyes for two seconds.

~ parenthood

@DameSpunky

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

@DameSpunky

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

@DameSpunky

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

@DameSpunky

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

@DameSpunky

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

@DameSpunky

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

@DameSpunky

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.