@DamienFahey

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

@DamienFahey

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

@DamienFahey

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

@DamienFahey

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

@DamienFahey

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

@DamienFahey

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

@DamienFahey

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

@DamienFahey

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

@DamienFahey

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

@DamienFahey

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.