Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.