Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Does beer think about me too?
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Do not levitate over flowers