Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DamonHunzeker's best tweets

@DamonHunzeker : I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don't even jump or have fun.

@DamonHunzeker: The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

@DamonHunzeker: I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

@DamonHunzeker: Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird -- I didn't even know horses could live underwater.

@DamonHunzeker: If you ever get attacked by a shark, don't forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

@DamonHunzeker: Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

@DamonHunzeker: Smoke alarms are stupid -- like I'd ever forget to smoke.

@DamonHunzeker: He died doing what he loved -- screaming for help and punching a bear.

@DamonHunzeker: "A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir"

@DamonHunzeker: Vader: "I am your father."
Luke: "I am your father."
Vader: "Stop copying me."
Luke: "Stop copying me."
Vader: "Shut up."
Luke: "Shut up."