@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

@DamonHunzeker

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

@DamonHunzeker

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

@DamonHunzeker

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

@DamonHunzeker

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

@DamonHunzeker

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

@DamonHunzeker

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”