If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”