when she says she wants a “well-balanced man”
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[1st day as undercover cop]
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?