@DanKCharnley

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

@DanKCharnley

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

@DanKCharnley

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

@DanKCharnley

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

@DanKCharnley

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

@DanKCharnley

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

@DanKCharnley

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

@DanKCharnley

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”