“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
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WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Something Saturday.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.