5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
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These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
best first i’ve ever seen
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner