A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
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Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago