My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
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Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Who does Amazon think I am?
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
time machine? you mean a clock?