I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
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Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
A little too much information.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!