The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
I fed the cows marijuana.
The steaks have never been higher.
Him: I like powerful women.
*dresses up as a rhino*
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?
What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.