Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
You Might Also Like
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Has science gone too far?
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life