[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
You Might Also Like
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.