When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
You Might Also Like
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Catercrombie & Fish
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list