Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
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Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*